Sunday, November 11, 2012

Week 14 and I have an "I don't care"/Fat Betty Francis problem...


Okay, so there are some things I *do* care about. What happens on Once Upon a Time. The current Phillipa Gregory book I'm reading. Money. Budgeting. Paying bills.

But right now at the top of the list of "Things I don't care about": Fitness.

I was sick this week. Not just "pregnant" sick, but I'm sure that contributed. I took Thursday off sick. I had Friday off anyway and spent most of the day in bed. The last time I worked out was Wednesday, November 7.

I did well working out on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. But here's the thing: I finish my workout and I think, "What's the point? I'm not going to see any progress. I'm not going to get stronger. I'm not going to lose weight. Who cares?"

I couldn't even motivate myself to do an "endorphin raising" workout like Turbofire. It's sad.

And the eating. I'm not gorging myself on Cheez Its anymore, but I have had a couple of bad nights with some leftover Halloween candy. And also one of the only things I want to eat are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

It's always peanut butter jelly time in my world.

To be honest, I think there may be some depression involved. I'm waiting for test results STILL and it's driving me a little crazy. I'm concerned about how I'm going to parent 3 kids. I don't even think I can fit 3 car seats in my PT Cruiser. And I'm in that weird stage where I keep forgetting I'm pregnant. I'm not sick anymore, but I can't feel the baby. Can't forget that I'm fat, however. That reminder is always there. However, it's just not enough to make me care too much. I just stare at myself in the mirror and cry a little.

When I came here in August and started a new job, I didn't think I would be sick for 5 weeks.  I'm thankful I'm not nauseous anymore, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.

So, I'm eating badly and completely aware that it's probably due to stress and emotion. I'm drinking my allowed TWO Via a day. And I don't know what I'm going to do about the workouts. I'm thinking I may just do whatever's fun for a week. Whatever feels like fun at the time, just to get my mood up.

Last night I watched the episode of Mad Men (Spoiler if you haven't seen Season 5) where Betty Draper Francis realizes she is  fat. And at the end of the episode, she eats a Sundae, and then finishes her daughter's Sundae as well. I totally get this. I'm in that stage of "Well, I want to change, but what's the point?"


Not sure what I'm going to do about all this, but I'm just putting it out there. I feel silly having a page called "Sarah Fitness" when I can't even keep myself motivated.

I'm comforted by the fact that I was able to lose the weight and get into the "best shape of my life" twice after giving birth, so hopefully I'll be able to do it again. But for now, I don't know......

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