Awesomeness thwarted by boob infection...

[No pictures because no one wants to look at a boob]

I have to admit I just really have been dying to say "Boob Infection" all day.

Monday I had a relatively good day. I was able to workout (upper body weights), tan (we have a tanning bed that came with our house that we rent. But, since I've been pregnant since I moved here, I haven't had a chance to use it until now), and shower. I felt good. I was emotionally prepared to go back to work. I was feeling strong.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night with a very painful breast. Usually this means it's full, so I tried to get the baby to nurse. That didn't help. I tried to pump. It was hardly producing ANYTHING. Despite the fact that I'm usually burning up while I sleep, I suddenly had uncontrollable shivers. I couldn't stop shaking. I took my temperature and it was 101. Holy moly! My body was aching, the shivering was making things worse, and I was just in so much pain.

I took some tylenol, but my fever kept rising. The highest was 101.9. I woke up my husband and the kids for school and just standing up made me feel like I was going to pass out. In fact I ended up laying on the kitchen floor for a bit.

 I was able to rest a little then I called the doctor when they opened. After listening to my symptoms the wonderful nurse (we really bonded over the last 9 month) said, "Yeah, you have a pretty bad case of Mastitis."

So today has been spent in bed, alternating hot and cold on the boo, nursing the baby, and taking my temperature. Thankfully the shivers went away, and my fever is down to 100.

Now I would never call myself a pro at nursing, but I did do it with my other two. It didn't go as well- this time I've been doing much better at producing milk than I did the last two times. But I've never had this problem before. This has knocked me out worse than the birth and surgery did. And I'm frustrated.

But I've got my antibiotics and I hope to be better in a few days. I've moved my return to work date to Thursday instead of Wednesday.

I felt so strong and happy after my workout yesterday. I also felt the frustration of being out of shape. I kept telling myself, "It's daily workouts and diet that will make the difference. Just take it one day at a time." And now this. So, I'm not "back" after all. I'm in so much pain honestly I don't care. I just want to feel better.

So that's the scoop.

[I am purposefully not commenting on the horrible news from Oklahoma because I honestly don't think I can handle it with my current post partum depression. But I am praying for everyone involved, and honestly, having a bit of a crisis of faith. I just didn't want you to think I think my problems are more significant.[

Back to work...

So, I've made my "decision" and my first day back at work will be Wednesday. It will be Lil' A.'s 3 week birthday. She'll be staying home with Daddy until June 3, when she goes to daycare.

I do start crying every time I think about it. But I keep trying to remind myself how much I love my job, and how much I'm looking forward to getting back to normal.

It's funny though. "Normal". When I came here and started a new job in a new town in August, I had no idea I would be having a baby in May. So there were really only a few weeks of "normal" before I turned into a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. It's going to be like my co-workers are meeting a whole new me. Except probably more stressed out and sleep deprived than ever.

I'm looking forward to lunchtime gym workouts. So far working out at home has not gone super well.

I know it will take me a few weeks (or heaven forbid months) to adjust to the new normal. Getting 3 kids (and myself) ready and out the door will be a special challenge. And I'm *really* concerned about working the late shift (1:00 - 10:00) with a newborn at home. That's something I've never really done.

So much is unknown. So much is scary. And we are so BEHIND and IN DEBT from my 3 weeks of unpaid leave. (To be far, we were BEHIND and IN DEBT before that... then we had a baby and got a car payment... and now we're even more in debt).

But I've gotten through this twice before. I remember the first day of work after birth VERY WELL each time. Yes, I cried. But it got easier. And soon I would drop off the kids and they would start playing with their friends, and I knew they didn't need me so much anymore.

And hopefully with some discipline Ill be wearing my size 4 jeans again soon, and I'll be that muscular and "intimidating" impressive person I was when I interviewed, and I'll win at life. The end. :-)

Post Partum Feelings

The hormones released in your body after giving birth are murder. MURDER. It's ironic, because they make your skin look AMAZING, but the trade off is feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and some of the worst depression ever.

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I don't know if everyone goes through this, but I know I have gone through it each time I've given birth. Considering I struggled with prenatal depression during this pregnancy, I knew it was coming.

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This is more than just "Suck it up and deal with it" kind of stuff. Just changing your attitude or perspective isn't going to do anything.  "Counting my blessings" doesn't help. It's a sense of hopelessness, like nothing good is ever going to happen again. Anxiety that something bad is coming but you're not sure what it is.

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I know from experience that it does pass. There is a brighter future ahead. I know this in my mind. It just doesn't feel this way.

So for now, my plan is to get through every day. Try to enjoy my baby, which is one of the bright spots in all of this. In fact, even though I have two other children, I wasn't prepared for how much I would love her, and how immediately I would be attached to her.

But some of the things that help me get through day to day are:
- Arrested Development. I've seen every episode so many times, but it never gets old. I just turn it on in the background and it helps. Plus there are new episodes coming soon and I've been waiting YEARS.
- Looking forward to the day I can workout again. Seeing my body change for the better again. Making progress towards my goal of competing.
- Looking forward to watching my children grow.
- Visiting friends and family at Christmas.
- Series 3 of Sherlock
- The day the new Star Trek and Iron Man movies are on Redbox and I can finally see them..

So, you see, I'm finding things to look forward to, no matter how small. I know I'll get through this.  Eventually.

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A Life Well Lived

Indulge me for a bit while I tell you about a very special person..

I spent many MANY years at the University of North Texas. The majority of those years, I was a student in the College of Music. First I pretended I would get a Master's in Performance... but soon after that I changed my degree plan to Master of Music Education.  After that I pursued a Ph.D. in Musicology for MORE YEARS THAN I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE but didn't finish. I ended up in Library school earning my M.S. in Library Science to become the librarian you see before you today.

Throughout those 8ish years, I spent many MANY hours at the UNT Music Library. I would often see a kindly couple hanging around. A nice older lady sat at the desk during the day and checked out items. An elderly man who was obviously really enjoying himself would wander in and out of the offices. As I got to know the folks that worked there, I learned that these two were a married couple named Daisy and Bob. They volunteered at the library.

During my last year at UNT, when I was finishing Library school (and surprisingly pregnant with my son), I worked at the UNT Music Library as a Graduate Cataloging Assistant. I loved it there. They were like a family. I got a chance to spend more time with all the librarians, as well as Daisy and Bob. Daisy always had reassuring advice about childbirth and parenting.

One day, we were all invited out to lunch. It was Bob's birthday. The way Bob celebrated his birthday was by taking everyone to lunch. What a treat that was. I remember thinking how generous he was and what a great way it was to celebrate another year.

A few days ago, Bob passed away at the age of 91. As I read the tributes and obituaries that emerge, I am learning even more about this extraordinary life.

- He came to UNT as a student in 1939
- After serving in World War II, he completed his Bachelors and Master's degrees and returned to UNT to teach.
- He taught piano pedagogy and was at one point the Assistant Dean.
- After retiring he and Daisy volunteered at the UNT Music Library.
- He has two endowed scholarships in his honor.

But what is striking to me is to see how an entire community is mourning but celebrating the life of someone that made such a difference.

It's got me thinking about what I want to leave behind. It's never too early to start thinking about what kind of legacy you're leaving. I'm finding myself wondering what people would say about me were I suddenly gone. What do I want them to say about me?

I hope I live a long laugh and have the chance to touch as many people's lives as Bob did.  He is truly an example of a life well lived.

Getting Back to (The New) Normal

It's looking like I'll be going back to work probably a week from today. In some ways, I'm looking forward to getting back to a routine. But, in some ways I'm scared to death.

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The mornings
This morning, for example, I woke up at 5:00 to nurse the baby and get everyone *else* ready for school.  Let me explain Lil A's nursing for a minute. It usually goes like this:

Nurse 5 minutes. Fall asleep. Stop.
I put her down (a sure fire way to get her to wake up) and she wakes up. (Sometimes this takes a diaper change).
Nurse some more. She's asleep again.

Etc.

So for her to eat as much as she needs to, it takes a long time.

I'm a little concerned what life will be like for her when she is in daycare with 3 other babies and they CAN'T spend this kind of time with her.

But anyway, back to this morning: Holy moly, what a nightmare. I didn't even shower (or brush my hair) and it still took forever to get everyone out. "I don't want to brush my teeth!" "I don't want to wear those shoes!" "I'm hungry! I can't get dressed!" Ugh.

So to wake up, get myself ready AND everyone else is pretty scary.

There's also the fact that I will be going back to working one late night a week. That's also pretty scary.

Okay Sarah, breathe...

That Post Partum Emotional Thing

Also, my post partum hormones are currently kicking my a$$. I don't know if I have the "Baby Blues", or Post Partum Depression, but it's really hard. I cry ALL the time.

Here are just a few of the reasons I have cried in the past 24 hours:
- My 2 year old is so cute and sweet. One day someone could be mean to her. One day she will grow up and leave me.
- I have to leave my brand new baby in a few days and go to work. I will miss her.
- I'm so tired.
- People die. Everyone eventually dies. Life is temporary.
- None of my clothes fit.
- Anxiety about money.
- Fear that I won't be able to handle a full time job, 3 small children, working out and being awesome, and keeping my house in order.
- I feel like I will *never* finish my thank you notes or get my life organized.
- This dresser is a great example of what my house looks like right now:

- My kids are changing schools at the end of the month, and they love their friends, and will be sad.

There are more, but I'll spare you.

I may have to ask my doctor to up my medication when I see her... at the end of the month.

I've had the mild depression each time, but I've made it through. I'm hoping it won't last long and won't turn into something worse. But just be prepared, people who see me in real life- I may suddenly start crying. Don't be afraid. It's just hormones (and probably sleep deprivation and stress).

Working Out:
I know I'm technically not supposed to workout for another 4 weeks, but the depression is making it kind of an emergency. Like I've said before, there are varying degrees of workouts. Obviously, I'm not ready to go back to Crossfit, or see if I can squat 100 pounds... but I feel like I need to do something- for my emotional health, my self esteem, stress relief.

So, yesterday I did my first JNL Fusion workout. Please be assured, it was *HIGHLY* modified. But after 34 minutes of that, I *did* feel a bit better.

I'm not holding my breath on that "60 days" thing though...

(Please don't anyone get on to me about how my body needs time to heal. I'm taking it easy. Like I said, the benefits outweigh the risks at this point.)

Those are the things that are going on today, almost 2 weeks after giving birth. Some of it is surely normal. Some of it is probably not. But I knew going into this I had no idea what it would be like once my baby came...

Clothes that fit....

are so important...

I have 3 pairs of yoga pants. Two are black and one is purple. I believe the choice of purple came from what was available via online clearance at Old Navy. They tie with drawstrings. They are pretty much the only things I've worn since I had my baby May 1.

But yesterday I decided to try on some jeans.

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When I first found out I was pregnant, I was wearing a size 2-4. I bought some size 8 jeans and told myself: "Ok. I'm going to just wear these jeans the whole time, and when my belly grows, I'll just unbutton them."

And then I stopped wearing them sometime around December.

So yesterday, when I tried them on, imagine how disappointed I was to discover I could not get them UP MY LEGS....

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This set off a little pity party.

I have to go back to work soon.
I have a closet full of size 2-4 clothes, one pair of size 8 jeans, and maternity clothes.

So what am I going to wear?

I knew this was coming. I knew I would not give birth and suddenly be back in my old clothes. But it's still hard to deal with.

And yes, I'm focusing on the positive: My healthy baby. I grew a baby! And it was HARD! My goals shifted from "wear no bigger than a size 8" to "survive". And that's what I did.

100% worth it.

But for someone who is used to being proactive, I'm frustrated. I can't diet because I'm recovering and breastfeeding (which, speaking of positive things, is going GREAT! I mean, anyone who's nursed knows that feeling of pride when you pump a full 5 oz bag of milk. That is super cool!)

I can't work out because my body is healing. So, that hits two ways: I can't get the endorphines and stress relief, and I can't make progress towards a better body.

The reality has hit me and I'm having to accept it may take a year to get my body where it was in September. And my goal of competing in March seems pretty imposible. So, I'm adjusting. I WILL still compete while I'm 40... Just probably more like July 2014...

In the meantime, I'm going to buy some cheap size 12 jeans (which is the size I *think* I am now... I'll have to try them on of course), and wear them in alternation with my yoga pants and a skirt. As I lose weight, I'll belt those suckers. It will be a great feeling after the past 9 months to feel clothes getting LOOSER rather than TIGHTER!

And one day (very soon), my before and after will inspire someone else to get started, even when it's a little frustrating/daunting/impossible-seeming.

The Great No-Scale Post Partum Shape Up of 2013: Shocking pictures included..

My eyes! My eyes! 

Well, I'm currently trying to find a catchy name, and I don't think that's it. But here's my point: I've decided to walk the walk... to put my money where my mouth is.... to practice what I preach...

I have decided to do my post partum shape up WITHOUT weighing myself.

I have no idea how much I weigh right now. I know that at my last doctor's appointment, I weighed 186 pounds. And then I gave birth to an 8 pound baby.  So I'm guessing I'm less than 178 pounds, at least... But I've decided I'M NOT GOING TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH I WEIGH.

You see, I preach it a lot. Who cares how much you weigh? Are we walking around with a number displayed. "Hi, my name is Sarah, and I weigh 135 pounds." Would you rather have a great body at 145 pounds, or be fluffy at 135? I don't know about you, but I am training for a LOOK, not a number.

However, it's challenging. That's how we always measure our "success". "I want to lose 20 pounds". You know, when I started lifting a few years ago, I had goals like that too. I had a "goal weight". But you know what? I reached my goal weight, but that didn't magically mean my body was exactly the way I wanted it.

So I will gauge my progress by how I look, how my clothes fit (oh I have so many clothes I want to wear again!) and my measurements. With that sad, I'm about to do something completely crazy.

Here are my 1 week post partum pictures. You've been warned.

*I should point out that the front and back pictures were taken by a 5 year old. It was quite challenging.

So here we go. Y'all get to see the shocking truth. But I know I will be glad I documented it later :-)