When my mom died 7 years ago, my heart was broken. It was not a very long illness, but it was exhausting. She was in hospice for a while, and at one point shortly before she died, it looked like she was well enough to leave hospice but would require the care of a nursing home. Friday I was told I would have to look for a place for her, but by Monday she was gone.
I was traumatized and felt a bit like I was free-falling for a while. I found comfort in the Coldplay song, "Fix You".
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
I got through it. I got my life back, and I went on to finish my library degree and have two beautiful children. I made it.
But lately I've felt a little lost again. I've been trying, but have been disappointed. Some rejection. Some failures. Some things just aren't working out.
"When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?"
I've dealt with depression my whole life. My mother had it. I seem to be dealing with another bout these days that's made worse by some of the current circumstances. Working out is one of the things that keeps me sane. It is a release. It is a relief.
You may have seen this video going around the past few days. It features a cover version of the song "Fix You". It's an amazing story, and I encourage you to watch the entire thing:
It has reminded me of the song again.
I'm facing some big choices. They involve big risks. What if I fail? What if it doesn't work?
If you watched the video, you'll see Arthur fell down. Several times, in fact. But he got back up. And he made it.
"And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth."
I am lost right now. I have big decisions to make. But this song just appeared to me. Both the song and the video came along when I really needed them.
So, it may be hard, but I think I will make it.
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."