A little over a year ago, a friend of mine posted a Facebook status that read: "Today is so awesome it should be called Awesomeday!" Sometime after that, I stole the word "Awesomeday" from her and decided to make an entire day where every status I wrote had to be a "Thing that is awesome". I did this to have a day of positive things, of looking on the bright side, and a day where I was just not allowed to whine.
I know I created the Facebook page a few Awesomedays into it, but I'm not sure how many. But I looked at our page today and saw that the page was created on May 4, 2011. Awesomeday had a birthday and I missed it!
Since it started, I've seen it spread. There are almost 300 folks on the page (hoping to surpass that soon), but what's really neat is seeing people post their "Things that are awesome" status updates every Wednesday.
There have been Wednesdays that come along where I'm really NOT in the mood. I am grumpy. I want to complain. But I remember my rule, and I'm forced to count my blessings. Awesomeday has saved my mood more than once.
So, happy birthday, Awesomeday! Here's to many more!
I made a decision. I've decided to just stop running.
I have fought with running for years. It's never been easy. I have glorious running moments that keep me coming back. I have days when I think running is the best thing that ever happened to me.
But I have given myself permission to run less... well, actually NONE.
Here's the deal:
Running did not get me the body I wanted. Weightlifting is getting me the body I want.
In my current plan, I get 2 steady state cardio sessions per week. I want to do something fun.
I have discovered that I love love LOVE dancing. So I'm taking a Zumba class Thursday nights (The gal who teaches the class I'm taking is AWESOME!) I'm also spending time doing Turbokick and Hip Hop Hustle. I'm getting something from this type of cardio that I don't get from running. I'm not training for anything. I'm not "putting in miles". I'm just having fun.
Now, I'm not going to be dramatic and say, "I'll never run again!" I may decide to run again. Running will be there when and if I'm ready. I'm cool with that.
When my mom died 7 years ago, my heart was broken. It was not a very long illness, but it was exhausting. She was in hospice for a while, and at one point shortly before she died, it looked like she was well enough to leave hospice but would require the care of a nursing home. Friday I was told I would have to look for a place for her, but by Monday she was gone.
I was traumatized and felt a bit like I was free-falling for a while. I found comfort in the Coldplay song, "Fix You".
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
I got through it. I got my life back, and I went on to finish my library degree and have two beautiful children. I made it.
But lately I've felt a little lost again. I've been trying, but have been disappointed. Some rejection. Some failures. Some things just aren't working out.
"When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?"
I've dealt with depression my whole life. My mother had it. I seem to be dealing with another bout these days that's made worse by some of the current circumstances. Working out is one of the things that keeps me sane. It is a release. It is a relief.
You may have seen this video going around the past few days. It features a cover version of the song "Fix You". It's an amazing story, and I encourage you to watch the entire thing:
It has reminded me of the song again.
I'm facing some big choices. They involve big risks. What if I fail? What if it doesn't work?
If you watched the video, you'll see Arthur fell down. Several times, in fact. But he got back up. And he made it.
"And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth."
I am lost right now. I have big decisions to make. But this song just appeared to me. Both the song and the video came along when I really needed them.
So, it may be hard, but I think I will make it.
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."
I've been going through some stuff. Stuck in a dead end job. Looking for a new one. Feeling frustrated. Needing change.
In my life, I've had the following jobs:
Piano teacher
Preschool music teacher
Church pianist
Accompanist
Graduate assistant
Graduate student
Teaching assistant
Yoga Instructor
Adjunct professor
Group Exercise Coordinator
Gym manager
Group Exercise Instructor
Personal Trainer
Librarian
(I have also waited tables, but I was just awful at that, so I don't count it... much...)
So, it took me a while to decide what I wanted to be when I grow up.
I love being a librarian, but I'm not very valued at my current job. I don't make as much money as the national standard for librarians with two master's degrees.
I loved being a group exercise coordinator, but it wasn't enough money to do just that.
I love teaching group exercise, but can't do it 40 hours a week.
So, I'm thinking, with all these different skills I have, I should be able to do what I love AND feed my family (and maybe even consider paying off the student loan I accrued getting all these skills...)
I would call the place I am now *uncomfortable*. I'm "in between". I don't like it. I'm a control freak. I like to know exactly what I'm going to be doing, when I'm going to be doing it.
But I finished my workout today and was walking back to my office. The song "This is your life" came on.
Here's the song if you don't know it:
And you know, I got a little emotional. The words got to me:
"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"
It is. It *is* my life. I don't get another chance. Is this who I want to be?
Part of me feels really lost, but part of me kind of knows who I want to be.
I want to be someone who is remembered for helping other people.
I want to be remembered for making them laugh, making them feel happier, making them feel they can do anything.
I want to be kind. I want to see good in people.
I want to show people they are capable of things they never thought they could do.
So, I know what the right choice is. Is it the choice that's going to make me rich? Probably not. Is it going to mean I might have to have a "job" as well as a "vocation"? Maybe.
But I only have one chance. I'm 38 years old and it's time to decide.
